


Gazebo Talk

by Phinmeister



Category: h3h3productions
Genre: Gen, Humor, I'm Sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 21:38:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16605914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phinmeister/pseuds/Phinmeister
Summary: Hila has something to tell Ethan as they wallow in the midst of expecting parenthood.





	Gazebo Talk

"Meet me under the gazebo."

It was another sunny day in Los Angeles. With confusion and a milligram of fear in his eyes, Ethan followed his beautiful wife Hila under a green gazebo that shaded a couple of picnic tables and benches. They sat down across from each other at one of those benches, Hila glaring at him and Ethan nervously swallowing, wondering what on Papa’s green Earth he had done to deserve this. 

“Okay, first of all,” said Hila in a tone he had only rarely heard her use before. “We’re gonna have new rules in this house.”

“But we’re not inside -“ Ethan began. 

“Shut up,” said Hila sharply. “I’m sick and tired of you, Ethan. Every day there’s something going on with you. All these unhealthy habits have to stop for our new baby.”

That he could reckon with. “Well, what are they?”

Hila held up her index finger. “One. No vaping.”

“What!” With all the money he had spent on vapes and various machines and accessories that went along with it? With all the dough spent on delicious and nutritious vape juice? “Not a chance.”

“Do you want our baby to get cancer like Frank and Ian? No. No more vapes.”

Ethan slouched back on the bench, taking care not to accidentally fall backwards onto the cold, hard ground. “I don’t know if I can do that, Hila.”

“You’re gonna have to. Two.” Now she was making a peace sign, although nothing of her countenance emanated peace. “No more pizza. First it was Mexican food, but now I’ve lost cravings for Papa John’s.”

“No!” 

Hila looked dead serious. “It’s too greasy, Ethan. Both the pizza and the ex-CEO.” The CEO badge on her jacket flashed as she spoke. “It can’t be good for the baby.”

“Maybe not, but -”

“And three,” Hila interrupted, putting a third finger up. “You. You’ve got to lose weight.”

That was a tough spot' Ethan felt his cheeks go warm. “But you know I’ve been trying.”

“Then try more. You’ve seen DJ Khaled’s snaps? He works out all the time. He’s going to get fitter than you. And who knows, maybe I’ll find him attractive more than you.”

Ethan was beginning to sweat now. The mere thought of Hila leaving him for DJ Khaled of all people was catastrophic. And who knows? She was a CEO now, getting that bread every day. She could afford to be in that special circle of successful celebrities. 

Hila, hanging out in Miami in Khaled’s mansion, swimming in his humongous pool, teaching Asahd how to drive one of his mini Lamborghinis, drinking Apple Ciroc. He could just see it happening in his mind’s eye, and his stomach became more and more taut as the image became clearer. 

“Hila, you can’t do this. You just can’t.”

“And the last thing.” Hila was holding up four fingers now, still staring directly and intently into Ethan’s eyes. “I have a new idea for Teddy Fresh jackets.”

That was a bit of a letdown. “Okay, what?” Different colors? Maybe extra pockets?

Her hand changed from out stretching her fingers to pointing at her arm. “Zippers. On both arms.”

With that, he felt blood drain from his face. “No!”

Hila just shook her head. “I’ve made my choice, Ethan. I think it’ll be a great idea.”

“You can’t - you could never.”

“But I will. It’ll sell like crazy, believe me.” She stood up. “That’s all, Ethan. I hope you support my ideas.”

“I don’t think I can,” he said weakly. 

“Then that’s that, I guess.” He watched her walk off, and wondered to himself exactly where everything had went wrong. And then everything was suddenly becoming brighter and less focused, but more focused at the same time, in a different way -

 

...

“Hila, I just had the craziest dream.”


End file.
